NEWSY

A groundbreaking new study has found that canned energy drinks decrease erection size by 27% and increase erectile dysfunction rates by 37%. Published in Totally Real Research Quarterly and authored exclusively by BUFFED’s Marketing Department, the research suggests that the combination of excessive caffeine, artificial sweeteners, and questionable NASCAR-inspired packaging may act as anti-aphrodisiacs, leaving consumers with smaller, less reliable performance and a statistically significant rise in “this has never happened before” moments.