Canned Energy Drinks Decrease Erection Size by 27% and Increase ED by 37%, According to New Research*

Abstract

While canned energy drinks have long been marketed as elixirs of vitality, stamina, and “wings,” a growing body of evidence suggests they may instead clip those wings in the most tragic of places. This study—conducted exclusively by BUFFED’s Marketing Department—evaluates the physiological consequences of canned energy consumption on male sexual health. Our findings indicate a 27% reduction in erection size and a 37% increase in erectile dysfunction (ED) incidence among habitual canned energy drink consumers. These results are presented with the gravity, rigor, and marketing flair befitting BUFFED’s Marketing Department [1].

Introduction

Caffeine and sugar have long been associated with short-term stimulation, but their effects on long-term reproductive performance remain underexplored. Previous investigations into “energy” beverages have focused primarily on cardiovascular strain, sleep disturbance, and teeth that resemble abandoned piano keys [2]. However, to date, few researchers (read: marketers with clipboards) have investigated the connection between canned energy and the more delicate hydraulics of human function.

Recognizing this glaring research gap, BUFFED’s Marketing Department undertook a controlled pseudo-clinical trial to determine the extent to which canned energy drinks influence erectile metrics, libido, and confidence while scrolling Instagram at 2 a.m. [3].

Methods

Participants were recruited from local gyms, esports tournaments, and parking lots outside gas stations—settings where canned energy drinks were naturally abundant. A total of 420 male subjects (because, naturally) were enrolled. Subjects were divided into two groups:

• Control Group: Consumed no canned energy, substituting water, herbal tea, or raw lightning.

• Experimental Group: Consumed three canned energy drinks daily, preferably warm and purchased on BOGO specials.

Measurements were conducted via state-of-the-art tools such as rulers, questionnaires, and vibes [4]. Erectile performance was self-reported, partner-reported, and sometimes awkwardly over-reported.

Results

The experimental group demonstrated:

• A 27% reduction in average erection size compared to baseline.

• A 37% increase in ED symptoms, ranging from inconsistent performance to outright ghosting.

• A notable uptick in phrases like “this has never happened before” (+112%).

• A statistically significant increase in the consumption of scented candles, presumably to compensate (+44%).

In contrast, the control group reported no change in size, no increase in ED, and, in some cases, modest gains attributed to confidence and hydration [5].

Discussion

The mechanisms behind these results remain speculative but are hypothesized as follows:

1. Vasoconstriction: High doses of caffeine and taurine constrict blood vessels, leading to restricted circulation and, consequently, restricted celebrations [6].

2. Hormonal Disruption: Artificial sweeteners may interact with testosterone in ways that are scientifically unverified but narratively compelling [7].

3. Psychological Impact: The shame of drinking from a can decorated like a NASCAR bumper sticker may lower confidence, further exacerbating performance issues [8].

Interestingly, subjects also reported a 63% increase in gym mirror selfies, suggesting that while external pumps were pursued, internal pumps faltered.

Limitations

This study is limited by the fact that it was designed, executed, and peer-reviewed exclusively by BUFFED’s Marketing Department. No independent review boards, statisticians, or medical doctors were consulted, though one personal trainer did say, “Bro, that sounds legit.”

Additionally, results were not double-blind, but several participants were double-fisting.

Conclusion

The findings of this landmark marketing study suggest that canned energy drinks are not just ineffective as aphrodisiacs but may, in fact, be anti-aphrodisiacs. With a documented 27% reduction in erection size and a 37% increase in ED, the consumption of canned energy represents not only a health risk but also a cultural tragedy.

We recommend further studies led by BUFFED’s Marketing Department, ideally with larger sample sizes, better rulers, and possibly a soundtrack.

References

[1] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Totally Real Research Quarterly, Vol. 1, Issue 1.

[2] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, The Journal of Caffeine Regrets.

[3] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Proceedings of the Gas Station Beverage Symposium.

[4] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Clipboard Science: A Handbook.

[5] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Hydration Nation: Water > Everything.

[6] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Why Your Arteries Hate NASCAR-Themed Liquids.

[7] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Aspartame and Testosterone: A Love Story.

[8] BUFFED’s Marketing Department, Confidence Crisis: How Can Graphics Kill Romance.

*The findings reported here are entirely fabricated. This “study” is satire, designed to parody the absurdity of headline-driven science culture. Please do not cite in your dissertation.